Saturday, September 21, 2013

Please Sir....May I Have Some More?

HEY!Here's a switch!Something new and original!I'm gonna talk about movies!

It was inevitable.With the advent of such new and exciting technology in film making, Hollywood is taking out and dusting off a plethora of proven cash cows.Trouble is, not every movie deserves or NEEDS a sequel!Recent history has proven that. Let's look at the examples of Star Wars 1,2 and 3.The sheer eye candy value was not enough to elevate this skat of a script.Two, count 'em TWO actors portraying Aniken Skywalker (AKA Vader) who couldn't act their way out of a wet paper sack, and a plot line shifting somewhere between episode 1 and 2 that incorporated a thinly veiled slam at the Republican turmoil in our own administration at the time (not that there is anything wrong with politician bashing) starring Emperor Bush, Darth Cheney and Jar Jar Powell.And now we will be subjected to Star Wars Episode 7!Although honestly, I'll hold negative word on that one!After Disney acquired LucasFilms they put all their weight behind the project, putting JJ Abrahms at the helm.This could be very good if for nothing else the absence of George Lucas.Yes, he was the heart behind the original but he should have handed over the reigns a long time ago.Also, the rumors swirling around that some if not most of the original cast may reprise their roles in some way is enticement enough for me to go see it!Another example would have to be Indiana Jones 4.Ancient aliens? Crystal Skulls? and a fine actor, but a little past his prime in the lead?It had it's moments and was a bit of nostalgia to watch, but if not for that I would have given it a pass.It is definitely a DVD in our collection that has only enjoyed one play!

So here, with much chagrin is a partial list of some of the upcoming or in-the-works projects that should just be shelved!

Independence Day 2...and 3!?The original was good, scientifically FLAWED but good.The fact that a sequel(s) would be 19 years later?What?More aliens come to avenge their fallen comrades?We drive another suicidal drunkard fly boy up their bunghole and use an I-Pad to cripple the Mother Ship?Perhaps, if Will Smith hadn't been so greedy and the production company not been so tight we may have had this one out sooner, but at this point...why Bother?

Jurassic Park 4: Jurassic World.I can remember the original vividly!Long a lover of dinosaurs in the scene where they first come over the hill and see the Brontosaurusnibbling on tree tops, I wept it was so beautiful, and the rest of the flick was a thrill ride!Then came twoand then three.I was less and less impressed.Seriously!HOW does a satellite phone get swallowed, pass through the digestive track and get shat out and STILL WORK!?!?!I spill a couple drops of coffee on my phone and it shorts out!!Again, fun to watch, but the third one was just a stretch in story telling!The only way I see it working is if they take the title LITERALLY!A bunch of randy dinosaurs, unchecked by humans make it off the island due to some ignorant thrill seekers, grow,multiply and you get some post apocalyptic, dinosaur hunting, underground dwelling human fighting for survival...blah blah blah.

Pirates of the Caribbean 5?Honestly, I can't keep any of the sequels straight, they are that unmemorable.Disney, you have Marvel , you have LucasFilm.Just let this one DIE already!

Avatar 2...and 3?Well, it was a given.Being the highest grossing movie of all time,it was inevitable they'd pick this one up by the ankles and shake out all the coin they could.But just how many times can you spin the tale of the "White Mans Burden" in outer space?Bad guy capitalists come back in force and try to, once again,overrun the "ignorant savages"?Bow and arrow VS heavy artillery ensues, with a smattering of a spiritual, morality tale included.All wrapped up in psychedelic day glow colors.And just WHY do the call it "unobtanium"if in fact they CAN obtain it?

Ghostbusters 3?Supposedly a new generation of "Paranormal Elimination Specialist's".The second one tanked if for nothing else because it just plain sucked, so why bother?Yes, new and awesome "other-worldly" effects aside what would be the point?Without Venkman there, it would be like doing The Blues Brothers WITHOUT John Belushi!Oh wait.....

Bill and Ted 3?Come ON!!!25 years after the events of the second flick and the original stoner/surfer/rock saviors of humanity are STILL trying to write the hit song that brings about world peace?(like, dude....didn't we already DO that in the second film?Strange things are afoot at the Circle K?) and they end up going back to the STONE AGE?OK...Rock.....Stone....I get it!

Best 5 out of 7?

The Legend of Conan?OK....OK.....I'm REALLY trying NOT to laugh!Ahnuld...after his stint in public service has been trying REAL hard to cash in on old fame and make some bank.But THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!Apparently totally bypassing the 2011 reboot (which I liked WAY more then the original gag flick)this one puts the Gov back in the skivvies and long sword, this time as an aged ( kidding!) king wearing the crown of Aquilonia.I think the only POSSIBLE way I would even consider renting this flick is if for sheer humor value they reprised the role of Grace Jones as Zula!And if you think THIS idea is incredulous......

Terminator 5!?!I am SO done with this franchise!Just how many bloody times can they go back in time, change the events leading up to the apocalyptic future and make NO BLOODY SIGNIFICANT CHANGE!?!?!Destiny be damned!I liked the Christian Bale pre-quell, totally bypassed the lady terminator but to once again bring Ahnald back!!Just HOW MUCH prosthetics or motion capture (via Jeff Bridges as a younger man in Tron 2)are they going to have to employ to pull this one off!?

Which brings me to another franchise that has WELL exceeded it's expiration date....

Prometheus 2?!Well I called it right after the first miserable appearance of the wretched Prometheus.Ridley Scotts ill advised, and continuity disregarding rewriting of the Alien Mythos, scored some swag on it's first showing (ALLOT of folks shelling out their twelve bucks on wishful thinking) and are going ahead with a second go around.As I had stated, the first one was just a long winded and exceedingly boring, not to mention confusing preamble into a franchise reboot.

Indiana Jones 5:The Apology!Apparently the two richest directors in Hollywood just can't let Indy rest on the sad Swan Song of number 4.Maybe they have learned from their errors (hey there never was a Howard the Duck 2 or a 1941 2) and may go back to basics on this next one (and on the soul of Henry Jones Sr, hopefully the last) I say put Mudd, the air to the throne under the fedora!Let Indy play a supporting, fatherly figure and then lets just be done with it.

Tron 3?Light Cycles aside....Legacy was trite, confusing, unbelievable and just downright pathetic.WHY a follow-up?Disney's animated attempts to the franchise are a much more worthy "legacy" and enjoyable to watch.And I'll be damned if I can watch another white washed Jeff Bridges!!

Snow White and The Huntsman 2.I guess Twihards can breath easy that at least Kristen Stewart can get SOME mainstream work (wonder if she's gonna have to sleep with this director too?) even if it is starring in an ill conceived reboot of the Snow White saga!Will this one have a completely un-climactic ending as well?

Blade Runner 2?OK, Ridley Scott is COMPLETELY off his rocker!Will one of the best Sci-fi flicks be subjected to the same continuity slashing treatment as Prometheus?Just let this one retain it's dignity and stature and don't muddy it up with a cash grab attempt!

So now onto some promising forays into updates, reboots and sequels, and then I'm gonna tease you with idea's of my own!

Obvious choices aside, IE: Avengers, Capt America, Thor, Hulk and the promise of redemption for Fantastic Four here are a few I'd be looking forward to...

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes;The first Tim Burton/Mark Wahlberg was a travesty, ultimately ending with a HUGE "WTF"!But the franchise was redeemed by Rise of the Planet of the Apes.No longer men in rubber suits, the second installment was quite ominous.Looking forward to the continued revitalizing of the wonderful original Sci-Fi classic!

Transformers 4.What can I say!The real life culmination of a youthful joy!I just can't get enough of this automotive product placement!But what would be REALLY cool is if they had a scene in which the Tour De France is interrupted by a Decepticon attack and several of the cyclist are shown to be dematerialize holograms as their bicycle morph into really skinny auto bots!SWEET!Seriously, thoughKeep 'em coming!Won't get tired of this eye candy!

Dumb and Dumber To!With both Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels reprising their rolls as two of the biggest dweebs in history they made the "Stupid-Funny" HILARIOUS!!It has been a project long in negotiation (a trial hindered by the release of the absolutely DISMAL "Dumb and Dumberer) and a real MUST HAVE for a waining Jim Carrey.

The Adventures of Tintin: Prisoners of The Sun!The world is devoid of really GOOD family movies!Relegated to whatever Pixar may put out (and some of their more recent attempts have been anything BUT flattering) Angi, the kids and I truly love the heart pumping, furious action of the first installment of this motion capture classic.Visually breathtaking and with a classic good hearted adventure story I have been looking forward to the next installment of Herge's classic characters since the ending credits of the first!

Chronicle 2!I was a late bloomer on this one, not having seen the original until well after it's release but was spellbound by the writer and directors take on the "sudden super hero' epic.The filming technique using "lost footage" was, while not original (think Cloverfield) very well done!I especially loved the final fight scene which played out on a mixture of hand held, cell phones, traffic 'copters and security cameras.Sporadic jerky movement, lens flare and gritty resolution lent a great deal of realism to the story.Looking forward to finding out the fate of Matt.

Pee Wee Herman 3!I have to admit I am a more-than-closet fan of Paul Reubens!Much maligned in the media after he "took matters into his own hands"He is a Survivor!From his Hilarious bit on the MTV music awards, where shortly after the debacle he came out on stage in full Pee Wee Splendor and asked "heard any good jokes lately?" or his brief stint on Murphy Brown where playing a sniveling exec Andrew J Lansing the Third he and Candice Bergan are having a battle of words and she breaks the fourth wall and spouts off "What? You think you can just shave off the Goatee and everyone will forget what you did!?"Anyone who can take bitter public humiliation and not only survive it but through self deprecation get the majority of the world behind him?That is a true perseverance!And to don the too small suit once again and visit this classic "Not-so-much-for-kids- kids show" (seriously, check out some of his and support casts not so subtle "Adult" humor rifts) based on his formerly FULL ON adult humor stand up bit!And come on, he's got his BiiiiiiiiiiiKE!

Sherlock Holmes 3!I admit it, I'm just a huge Sherlock geek.Especially the two latest incarnations visa vie BBC's "Sherlock" and Robert Downey Jr. classical take on Doyle's original master sleuth!Have been thrilled with the first two and looking forward to more!

So now onto some films I'd love to see in the reboot/remake/sequel status!!

Forbidden Planet!The 1956 classic originally starring Leslie Nielsen in an actual SERIOUS role, was a stalwart Sci-Fi classic bucking the trend of the cheesy B-Reel flicks so prevalent then.A true tale of humanities woes regarding the dangers of absolute power told through the fatal history of a lost, once great alien race.A timeless lesson that could aptly play to today's audience.And it would be interesting to see what kind of upgrade they could come up with for Robby the Robot (often time's mistook for "Robot" from "Lost In Space")

Iron Giant 2!One of the best retro-age Sci-Fi stories of all times,the ending, while not requisite of a sequel left some tantalizing teasers.It would be a real treat to see the reanimation and eventual reunion of Robot and Hogarth.Not to mention, possibly answering the question "where DID this massive weapon come from"

Creature From The Black Lagoon, Reboot.With the constant incarnations of Dracula, the Mummy The Were Wolf and Frankenstein how come Universal keeps snubbing old Gill?In today's day and age of ecological disasters why not a morality tale featuring the old Sea Monkey himself?Maybe do like a Twilight thing and sex him up a little bit!He was, after all, always chasing the babes in Bikinis!

All right, there is so much more, I could meander on forever, but I'll chill there for the time being and maybe do some REAL work!Speaking of which...Check out these rides we have put together over the last couple of days!We'll be talking to ya soon!

And remember, "save me a seat on the isle!"

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