"GAVIN TO ADANTE: "SO YOU'RE PROOF THAT SEA MONSTERS REALLY DO EXIST?" - JASMINE ANGELL, LUMINOUS.
FORGET JAWS! BUGGER, DEEP BLUE SEA! IGNORE, THE BEAST! AND PAY NO HEED TO THE CREATURE OF THE BLACK LAGOON! For today, we delve into the very depths of the oceans; today we explore every crevice on the sea floor; today we look past every piece of sea-weed; todaywe find the worst creatures that the "BIG BLUE WET THING" has ever ejaculated into the human world.
Today we look at bad underwater monster films.
"He deliberately left you your boat because he wants to fight you alone on the sea." - Orca.
For those of you who haven't seen these films, fear not, I shall only give you a brief synopsis. No plot leaks and spoilers here.
In 2013, SyFy channel screened an instant cult classic. Set around a series of large waterspouts (sea-tornado) that lift up, carry, contain and deposit a vast army of sharks onto the city of L.A.
Released in 1989, Leviathan revolves around a large underwater creature that stalks and kills members of an underwater team. The film shares strong similarities with ALIEN, and THE THING.
Released in 2002, Megaladon takes bad fish films to a new level. The film revolves around a hungry giant shark (Megaladon - 60ft) that escapes the deep-sea, thanks to a drilling operation.
04: MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS.
Released on 19th May, 2009, MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS became an instant classic amongst monster/disaster film fans. Staring singer DEBBIE GIBSON (FOOLISH BEAT - 1988) and actor LORENZO LAMAS (GREASE, FINAL IMPACT), this film revolves around the hunt for two dangerous sea creatures that are causing untold carnage and destruction.
05: DEEP RISING.
Released in 1998, this action-horror film revolves around a luxury cruise liner, the people attempting to rob it, the people attempting to save it, and the deep-sea monsters who are trying to eat everyone aboard.
06: DEEPSTAR SIX.
This deep-sea survival film was released in 1989. It revolves around a deep-sea military crew and their desperate battle with a large underwater creature. (As if there are any other kinds of monster, hey, Wookiee?)
FUN FACT: The films lead antagonist is South African actor Marius Weyers (Gods must be crazy, Blood Diamond.) he even sports an Afrikaans accent.
07: SAND SHARKS.
Let us leave the ocean for a time and sit peacefully on the beach. Well, the beach would be peaceful if it were not for the Sand Sharks. That's right, Sand Sharks. Released in 2011, this horror film revolves around a group of forgettable American actors who get eaten by sharks that live in the beach.
This 1977, Jaws like film, features a large Killer Whale and its enemy - actor RICHARD HARRIS (HARRY POTTER) - as they battle each other in a dull for revenge.
09: GHOST SHARK.
This 2013, horror film screams 1980 s kitsch. With bad special effects, horrid acting, and lots of blood this undead vengeful shark film is as threatening as wet sock. Though it is a damned good laugh.
In 2010, a half-shark/half-octopus monster of military design began its assault in Mexico. This low-budget film takes bad acting, special effects, plot holes and general crap to a whole new level. And I must admit . I LOVED IT!
Is a 2007, American horror film, based on the HP LOVECRAFT short story "THE SHADOW OVER INNSMOUTH" (1936.)
Unlike most horror films, Cthulhu, revolves around a gay protagonist, who has to battle both monster and conservative small town life.
"Larry, the summer is over. You're the mayor of "shark city". These people think you want the beaches open." - Jaws.
Raise your head from the water. Well done, you've survived the worst the ocean has to offer.Breathe easyRelax. For soon the world will create more monsters and you'll have to join us as we delve into their lairs, invade their abyss, and drag them thrashing and screaming to the surface once more.
And this little sod is not from a film. This little delight is called SARCASTIC FRINGEHEAD and it lives off the Californian coast. Swimmers, ye be warned
"ATTENTION ALL HANDS. THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. WE'RE GETTING MORE REPORTS OF THIS HALF SHARK, HALF OCTOPUS CREATURE THAT'S TERRORIZING THE COAST, BUT PLEASE DON'T PANIC. THERE IS A WAY WE CAN STOP THIS THING. VIRGIN SACRIFICES. YES, THE MEXICAN FISH AND GAME COMMISSION ASSURES ME THE ONLY WAY TO APPEASE THIS BEAST IS TO OFFER IT A BEAUTIFUL VIRGIN, PREFERABLY 18 TO 25 YEARS OLD. I REPEAT - SHARKTOPUS WANTS OUR VIRGINS." - SHARKTOPUS.